THE PROBLEM
I was not in a state to make a healthy decision. My each optimisation showed me hope, but simultaneously it showed me the that there's a lot more to be explored. The moment I thought that I have conquered a level, it was not short that I was reminded that there's more to this. I would be compromising my life if I didn't act fast. I was not willing to do that.
Things were taking a slightly different turn by each passing day. There was anxiety, stress and fear building up inside my head. Things were going outside my control. I knew it was enough and I couldn't take more. I was supposed to take an action and an immediate one.
I was doing this all along my journey. If I look back at my path, I've learned things and evolved as a completely different individual. I took actions at those times when I thought they were right and satisfied my mind with my own reasons. I still believe that I took all the right decisions and was not able to accept that I have failed miserably.
It strikes inside my mind many times and was hard to accept because I was making changes. Be it my tech stacks, people I interact, relations or lifestyle. I indeed transformed my life, a lot! I did achieved a lot professionally though it may seem somewhat contradictory to my job role. Deep inside I knew that these are not something that I should not be proud of, but I was not able to accept it in public.
GIVING IT A THOUGHT
Maybe the timing was absurd. Maybe I took all the right decisions but at the wrong time. I was now reflecting on my life in a different way. What I did was indeed right things but the timing was poor. I lost relations when I was not in a state to afford that. I isolated myself when I needed to be social. I was being involved in projects that were not my cup of tea yet I was a part of them. I was committing to things when I knew I might not be able to deliver it. People have developed hopes and expectations and I was afraid whether I could live upto that.
I thought I can do all the things that I've committed to, but not according to people but me. My basics were going fine. I was able to bypass myself whenever I tried. It was simple procrastination because somewhere I knew that was not meant for me yet I was unwillingly doing it. It was clear to me that things could be achieved if one can ensure consistency.
ALIGNING THINGS
But, what things? I achieved so much by the time I reached the verdict of choosing one and discarding the others. And, I want to do it all. I want to build a brand. I want to shout for myself. I was GOOD ENOUGH. Not in a way that people see, but in a way that it can satisfy my own ego and didn't needed anyone's opinions about my sh*t.
People are evil. They tend to judge life and give opinions when they're still unsure of theirs. And I was the one foolishly feeding my soul with their foul suggestions. I want to have everything and I want to make fall everything in place. I needed to find a right strategy. I was required to have a discipline for myself and it required me to get out of that comfort zone.
I want to filter myself; filter all the things that were useless and not creating any value. I needed to analyse myself again. I desperately wanted to create a new strategy. I was supposed to come up with something quicker as I was able to see the passing time and the negligible value that I was adding to it. Least of all I was adding value and knowing that was enough for me. Things take time and patience is required till the end to see the results. But why was I so focused on results when there was so much to do?
Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the difference!
I took a notebook and started creating flowcharts. I thought by this maybe I would be able to figure out who am I. Because that's what the journey is all about, right? Had it been just money, I would have opted to go to Bangalore in the first place. I had to be someone else, more than a title, profession, job or a label.
By writing it down, I was able to see my strong and weak points and the height where I was standing. I was doing fine but I wanted more than fine. That's when it became clear for getting that extraordinary, I had to work extraordinary.
I was now still, and knew that there was work that needs my time. I took a break and gave a second thought, changed my priorities and started committing to things by remembering why I committed to them in the first place.
